


and still i dream

by berrywarbler



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 20:05:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/690919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berrywarbler/pseuds/berrywarbler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>rachel’s only wanted one thing outside of the stage for as long as she can remember, and losing her mother hits harder than she expected it too</p>
            </blockquote>





	and still i dream

When she was younger, Rachel had wanted nothing more than for a mother to brush her damp hair, to braid it in pigtails and kiss her forehead good night. Having two dads was wonderful, of course - they gave her everything she could ever dream of asking, navigated her in the right direction to help her achieve the goals she had set for herself, but it wasn’t the same. 

No matter how deep and unconditional their love was, they couldn’t be a mother, and while she’d never say it aloud, she secretly yearned that hers would appear one afternoon, mixing lemonade and ready to tell Rachel all the secrets life held for young ingenues like herself. 

It never happened, and her hope diminished until it was hardly there, hidden away under so many new hopes and wishes that sprung to fruition with growing up. Dreams of dating football players and winning singing competitions quieted the one to find the person whose DNA had created her, who had given her up for a life that Rachel wasn’t a part of, who had never once tried to find the child that she’d grown in her womb for nine months. It was something she could chalk up to childhood naivety, a wishful thought along the lines of children of divorce wanting their parents to get back together. Something she could turn to in the late hours of the night, but that she’d accept would never happen.

Until, of course, it did. 

Shelby Corcoran was both everything Rachel had envisioned and nothing at all what she’d thought up at once. Driven, talented, and the spitting image of Rachel herself in twenty years - she had once held the same ambition Rachel had for her own life, but failed in her attempts to make it beyond a small town stage. For a moment, Rachel was afraid it was her worst nightmare - her future self warning her that she wasn’t good enough, that she wouldn’t make it, that Broadway would spit her out before she could even grace the stage. But Shelby was real, and there, and despite Rachel’s efforts - 

She still wasn’t the mother Rachel needed. 

She was gone before Rachel could even get used to the idea that she was there, leaving in a cloud of smoke and taking Jesse with her, Rachel’s entire ground shifting underneath her with nothing to hold onto. Because she had waited, for so long, for the nurturing so many of her ‘friends’ had had. For a mother who would move heaven and earth for her, much like her fathers tried to do. And while Rachel was still trying to get used to the idea of this figment in her mind coming to be something tangible, it was ripped away from her, torn from her clutching hands with no warning.

Such a fleeting moment, Rachel thought, wanting nothing more than to fling herself into this strangers arms in the hopes that it would bring her the comfort she craved. Even as her mouth spoke the opposite, knowing she wouldn’t get it regardless of what she said, she yearned for Shelby to ignore her words, to hold her and pet her hair and reassure her that her talent would get her far.

She didn’t. 

No one asked Rachel how she was - no one except Mr. Schuester, of course - and no one could really understand. They went home to their loving families every day, and she went home to her fathers, but the absence of a mothering presence seemed even wider now. 

It was easier to hide behind the hurt of Jesse’s sudden disappearance, her peers relating to heartache from a relationship far easier than one due to a parent walking in and out of their life. They didn’t have to suffer from the crippling anxiety of not being good enough by the person who had given birth to them, that despite what Shelby had said, Rachel had been the one to mess everything up. If she had been brighter, more talented, quieter, less abrasive, prettier. If she had been dating Finn or Noah instead of Jesse, or single and on her own. If maybe Shelby would have loved her as much as Rachel wanted to love her if she had jumped ship, transferred to Carmel and become Vocal Adrenaline’s lead. 

If she had just been better, maybe Shelby wouldn’t have left. 

There was no way to know, of course, and no one to talk to about any of her confusing thoughts and emotions. She was ungrateful to her fathers for wanting a mother too, selfish for not caring more about Quinn’s pregnancy and the birth of Beth, horrible for crying herself to sleep wondering what a child Shelby hadn’t given birth to had that she herself didn’t. 

She was left on her own, just as she always was with so many things, let to handle yet another crisis with no help, hoping that she would find the strength in her pain to carry her on through to another day. That maybe, one day, she would be good enough for Shelby to return to. 


End file.
